One of the surest signs of getting old is an irrational fear of teenagers. I have to admit, I'm quickly falling into this category. I see them in their hordes, and all I can think of is that scene from The Birds, when all the birds are gathering on the jungle gym, waiting to peck at the little kids as soon as they leave the school.
My most recent Birds moment happened recently. We had run out of toilet paper, and rather than drive to the store I decided to take John (who has finally outgrown his phobia of strollers and grocery stores) for a walk to pick some up. Along the way is Gage Park, which is a manicured park filled with walking trails and fountains. The walk there was pleasant. John dozed and other parents and I with strollers all smiled as we passed each other on the trails. He smiled and gurgled all through the store, to the delight of the strange old ladies who invariably stop to babble nonsense to him.
I made my way to the toilet paper isle, stashed an embarrassingly bright yellow jumbo pack under the stroller, checked out, and made my way back home through the park. By this time, it was about 4:30, and starting to get dark. But surely, I thought, even hoodlums have to eat dinner. They won't be out until 7 or so. Oh, how wrong I was. As I rounded the bend, and came through the clearing to the fountain, there they were. Teenage hoodlums. Skateboards, cigarettes, and scantily clad groupies, all lounging and screaming obscenities around the fountain. It felt like there must have been 50 of them. OK, there were only about 10, but it felt like a mob to me.
What to do, what to do. I wanted to turn around, but they had already spotted me. What felt like 100 pairs of eyes were locked on me. My heart leaped into my throat. You see all these news reports these days about teenager attacks. Or are those pitbull attacks? Same thing, really. And there were so many of them, like killer bees. If they decided to attack, there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it. What if they hurt me, leaving John alone and defenseless? What if they took John!? What if they took my jumbo pack of toilet paper!!??
With no choice, I marched ahead through the smoky haze, their eyes piercing into me. 'Where are their mothers?' I thought to myself. I felt so old at that moment. I think I got a wrinkle. John, oblivious to the danger he was in, just kept gurgling.
As I passed through the crowd, they all fell eerily silent and stared. A couple of the larger boys took a step closer to me. 'This is it.' I thought, frantically looking for witnesses - anyone who might hear me scream during the inevitable attack. I thought about what I would do with John if they closed in - would I be able to push his stroller away far and fast enough to be saved? I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I finally reached the opposite path unscathed, even though I knew they were all still watching me in silence.
Then one of the sk8r boys said to his friends, with what can only be described as boyish glee, "Dude! That baby looked at me! That was so cool!"
Suddenly, I felt not just very old, but very stupid as well.
Although that being said, I won't be wandering into any more crowds of screaming, smoking teens anytime soon.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
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